The Impossible Task of Decoding Hermione
by tornbetween
Summary: Ron's tired of always being stumped by Hermione. One minute she's friendly, the next shes biting his head off! So he decides to try and figure out why girls act the way they do. With Ginny's help and erm...others Ron discovers WAY more than bargained for!
1. Decoding Hermione's Mind

A/N: hello guys! Extremely long time no see! Well its been about a year since ive written ANYTHING for ff. and today when I was reading through my old mail folders I ran across the folder where I kept all of my old fan fics reviews… and being the bored girl that I am I decided to read them. And I did. Each and everyone. And I suppose they did their job as reviews because they made me realize that maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if I started back writing again… soooo here I am. Sorry it look 12 months but hey better late then never!

Butt ne ways…. The begging of this was written last summer and I decided to go on with it. It was originally intented to be a one shot ((like mostly all of my other works)) but as it got more involved I decided to make it a short ficlet… so here ya go! (( if It sucks and isn't up to par with my other works… gimme some slack… im 12 months rusty! Lol))

ps. anything in italics AND quotes is Ron's/ Hermione's/whoever's thoughts.

Disclaimer: jkr owns It idont.

What About My Nails?

Chapter One: The Impossible Yet Crucial Task Of Decoding Hermione's Mind

"Goodnight, Harry." Hermione looked up from her nails to wish her best friend goodnight.

"Yea. See you tomorrow, mate."

Ron watched as his best friend climbed the staircase to his dormitory. Harry gave Ron a knowing smile as he passed by the banister. Ron found that latley, he was on the recieving end of alot of those little..._smirks_. Ron wasn't so sure that he liked it. But alas, there seemed to be nothing he could do about it.

Then... they were alone. Like most nights, Ron and Hermione were the last ones in the commonroom. She was always busy helping him complete an assignments he'd waited to the last minute to start, and he was always...well... busy receiving help on an assignment he'd waited until last minute to start. Tonight was no different.

...Except... it was.

Hermione sat in the comfy arm chair by the fire. Ron sat across from her studying his homework.

Of course, that's not what he was really doing. He _was_ studying, that much was true. But the subject of his attention was on...

Hemione.

What was different tonight? Ron furrowed his brow in concentration. He studied her. And she was studying…her _nails_?

Now there's something new. Hermione never did that!

But wait. That wasn't entirely true. Lately he had been noticing Hermione doing a lot of things that she usually didn't do. For example, the other day, Ron noticed her twirling her hair in her fingers! Now _that_ particular action was extremely upsetting.

Ron looked up at Hermione. She no longer looking at her nails, but now, she was doing something even worse! She was biting them! He watched her intently. She was gnawing on her nails, and tearing them, and…

Acting like a girl!

Ron threw his hands to his mouth to stifle his scream.

'_Hermione…acting like a girl?'_

Ron's eyebrows furrowed in thought.

And for a full _six_ seconds… he thought…well at least _tried_. But his attempts were unsuccessful. Thinking wasn't always his strong spot.

'_Hermione is biting her nails…and twirling her hair… and that's just plain weird. What is she thinking?"_

And then it clicked.

The key to decode this…._riddle_ was to think…like a girl.

Ron sighed. This was going to be impossible. Ron could barely think as it is, and now he had to think like the most intelligent, perplexing, deceptive, and not to mention beautiful girl in Hogwarts.

'_Beautiful…?'_

He wasn't so sure about that last part. Well… that _also_ wasn't entirely true. Hermione _was_ the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts. It was one of the only things he was sure about. _That…_ and chocolate frogs. They were definitely beautiful too.

Hermione let out a sigh and put her nails to her face as if inspecting them.

Luckily, that brought Ron back to reality.

'_Hmmm.. where was I… ahh yes. Girls. And _thinking_ like them at that!'_

Ron began to hypothesize.

'_Exactly how does one begin to hypothesis?'_

Ron scanned the room in hopes of locating an object that would aid him on his quest for knowledge.

His eyes wandered left and right…then up and down… and finally landed on a quill that was resting in his hand.

Once again, that handy dandy clicking began to occur in his brain.

Ron picked up his and began to write a title on his parchment.

"The (impossible yet extremely crucial) Task of Decoding Hermione's Mind"

This was going to be a long night.


	2. Think Like A Girl?

Last chapter…..

Ron picked up his and began to write a title on his parchment.

"The (impossible yet extremely crucial) Task of Decoding Hermione's Mind"

This was going to be a long night.

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'_So…what's the next step?_"

If he was going to try and think like Hermione, he was going to have to approach this _exactly_ like she would. So of course, that meant he would have to make this 200 times more complicated than it actually needed to be.

Ron began to think.

'_Alright… so Ron you genius you. What exactly do you want to know?'_

'_Well….errm… We could _start_ by figuring out why Hermione is biting her nails all of a sudden, and acting like a complete _nutter_ by twirling her hair in her fingers, and actually _offering_ to help with me my homework! Actually, now that I think of it, I don't particularly mind the last part. It's actually sort of nice. I get top quality….ermm… _assistance_ –yes..that's what we'll call it- from the smartest witch in Hogwarts and I don't even have to _beg_ or _whine_ or do any of the usual antics I have to go through in order to get the slightest bit of attention for her. Not that I would even _want_ attention from her. After all, all we do is argue and bicker and-'_

'_Ron mate?'_

'_Yes Ron'_

'_I'm afraid you're getting a bit off topic'_

'_Ahh ..yes. You've got a point there.'_

'_It's alright, mate.'_

'_Well good. If only _Hermione_ was as understanding towards me as… erm…. I am to my self….?'_

'_... Well anyway. You say you want to figure out why Hermione's acting so girly all of a sudden. So… why don't you go ask someone who has first hand experience on dealing with the subject.'_

'_Oh! _Right_! Now erm… who might that be? Harry?'_

'_Harry? _Heavens_ no! He can't even _kiss_ a girl without them bursting into tears. Think again.'_

'_Oh. How true… right you are. Well then… how about Crookshanks. He…erm… she…uhh.. let's say _it_ spends quite a good deal of time with Hermione. I bet _it_ would know a thing or two about girls!'_

'_Yes well that's true. Only _one_ problem there.'_

'_And what's that?'_

'_Crookshanks is a cat.'_

'_I know'_

'_And most cats can't actually speak English."_

"_Oh right… Then what about Dobby?_

'_No…were going for something human here.'_

'_Ermmm… Seamus?'_

'_No.'_

'_Then maybe Dean?'_

'_No.'_

'_How about-'_

'_TRY ASKING AN ACTUAL MEMBER OF THE FEMALE SPECIES!"_

'…_well alright there was no need to yell about it…'_

'_Well you were the one who--'_

"_No don't try and apologize now. You've gone and ruined the relationship. I'm afraid I'm going to have to end it now. I'll be back for the rest of my things tomorrow.'_

"_You do realize you're attempting to break up with yourself and that's a tad-"_

'_No! Don't try and talk me about of it now. It's too late for you and I.'_

"Ron."

"Everything was going good and you just had to ruin it. You had to be the one in control. Well ive got news for you mate. There's no "I" in team.

"Ron?"

"Now it's over…you've lost your-"

"RON! Have you gone absolutely nutters!" Hermione's eyes widened with disbelief. "First stealing from the kitchens…which by the way, makes the poor House Elve's work even _harder_ than they already do! And _now_ you're having pretend conversations with yourself? Whats next, pray tell? Beginning your homework more than 6 hours before it'd due?"

Ron jumped back in surprise. "Hermione!"

An exasperated look appeared on her face. "_Honestly_ Ron" She smirked at him. "Do you not want to study so bad that you had to go imagine what seemed to be some sort of… _relationship_ between you and your imaginary friend?

"You heard?"

"Well yes what did you expect? Everything was nice and quiet and then all of a sudden you burst out into some overdramatic monologue-'

"Wait. I do _not_ have an imaginary friend."

"Well you _must_.: A sly smile slid on to her face. "Who else would you have been talking to?"

"_Maybe_ I was talking to myself. Hasn't a _know-it-all_ like you ever heard of such a thing?"

"Well of course I have! I just didn't think you were daft enough to do it?

Ron found him self beginning to yell. "Are you calling me _daffy_?"

"Are _you_ calling me a know-it-all?" Hermione's voiced rose an octave.

"Well at least _I'm_ not the one biting my nails."

Hermione's brows furrowed in confusion. "What in Merlin's name does _that_ have to do with anything?"

I don't know Hermione. _You_ tell _me_." Ron gave her a smirk walked away.

When he was halfway up the stairs, Hermione called out to him.

"Ron! Biting my nails…. What? What are you talking about?

As he entered the boys dormitory he paused.

"I don't know. But I'm sure going to find out." He gave the extremely perplexed Hermione another slight smirk and closed the door.

As the door was latching shut, he could have sworn he heard an "_Honestly_ Ron.." drifting up from below.


	3. That's What YOU Think

A/N: First let me say thanks to all the reviews. They make my day :) Also... this chapter is a little weird in terms of POV changes. It's all from Ron's Pov, but when i first started the chapter a few days ago i wasn't quite sure how I wanted to do the story so it changed about half way through the chap...but I've figured it out now and it'll be more consistent from now on...

Last chapter…

As he entered the boys dormitory he paused.

"I don't know. But I'm sure going to find out." He gave the extremely perplexed Hermione another slight smirk and closed the door.

As the door was latching shut, he could have sworn he heard an "_Honestly_ Ron.." drifting up from below...

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'_Alright…so maybe that last part didn't come out quite as….**debonair** as I would have liked…'_

As I closed the dormitory door, my eyes slowly began to adjust to the dim light of the room. When they did, I began to realize that there were four lumps that appeared to be sitting on the bunks. Which meant that... nobody was asleep and they surely heard the argument between me and Her-

"So Ron…you and your girlfriend had another argument did you?" It was Seamus.

"Hey," Harry interjected. 'Shut it Seamus."

"Thank you Harry." I shot a glare at Seamus. An innocent look appeared on Seamus' faces as if he was surprised that he angered me with his comment. _Yeah right._

"Didn't you hear, Seamus? They're engaged!" Harry along with the others erupted into sniggers. And here I thought he was standing up for me.

I could feel my face growing red. Hopefully in the dim light it wouldn't be too noticeable.

"Awwww…little Ronniekins is turning redddd." Dean taunted in a baby voice.

_Drats._

"So you all were eavesdropping then?"

"No," Harry said. "How could we _not_ hear? You two were screaming loud enough to wake the dead?"

"Or at least the headmaster." Seamus sniggered.

"So," An inquisitive look appeared on Harry's face. "What exactly did you say to her _this_ time."

I threw up my arms in frustration. "_Why_ does everyone always assume that it was _me_ who started the row?"

"Because," Dean began nonchalantly as he moved to turn the lights brighter. "It always _is_ you who starts the row."

I thought for a second. "Well… maybe your right. Butit wasn't _this_ time! All I wanted to know was why she was biting her nails! And then he had to go and call me daft in the headand you know I _certainly_ couldn't take that! And of course she had to-"

" Wait. So _you're_ telling _me_ that you two woke up the whole Gryfifndor tower because of your fighting….and it was over something a silly nervous habit like biting _fingernails_?" Harry shook his head. "I tell you mate, you two are getting worse every day."

"Yea," A sly smile appeared on Seamus' face. "Why don't you go and push her in the broom closet and snog her senseless already."

"What?" My eyes widened in shock. "I do _not_ want to snog Hermione senseless!"

"There goes the cheeks again!" bemused Dean.

Another eruption of laughter.

"All right… all right." Said Harry in between sniggers. "Well leave you alone."

"Yea surrre we wi-" Harry socked Dean in the shoulder. "Yea we'll quit." Dean said sourly.

"But seriously," said Harry. "What in Merlin's name were you talking about when you said 'I don't know…. But I'm to find out?'"

Ron was silent for a second, trying to decide whether or not it was safe to let them in on his plans. He surveyed the looks on amusement on Dean and Seamus' faces and the look of concern on Harry's.

Ron lied. "I don't know. I was just making it up as I went to confuse Hermione." Ron looked at the disappointed looks on his roommates faces. "I'm tired so… I'm going to call it a night."

The look of disappointment on Harry's face grew even deeper. "Alright then," He said huskily." Goodnight."

Harry's anger was justified. Ron usually told his best friend almost everything, but this time, he had a feeling that it would probably be best if Harry wasn't in on it.

Ron slid into the covers.

He really wanted to use this time to try and think about who he would ask about Hermione's erm..._problems_. However thinking came hard enough to him during the day, and at the end of a tiresome day...it might as well be impossible.

'_I'll figure this out tomorrow…..'_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

After a goodnight's sleep, Harry's anger toward Ron had worn off, and together they headed down to the common room to wait for Hermione.

"I wish she would hurry up! Ron complained. "I'm so hungry I could eat a Stashaline."

"It's _Stosh_aline Ron. And I wouldn't be so keen on eating one if I were you…seeing as how their skin excretes _poisonous_ gas when pressure is applied to it and all." Hermione shook her head. "_Honestly_, Ron... one day off of Care of Magical Creatures and you forget everything you learn."

"So I see you've two made up then? Harry asked.

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "If you're asking if Ron apologized," she said. "He didn't. I just decided that I would be the mature one between the two of us and forget about it. Arguing all the time gets a tad tiresome after a while…don't you agree, Ron?"

A confused expression appeared on Ron's face. "Errrrrm… yea…?"

'_What is going on here? Hermione? Ending an argument before I've apologized?'_

"Hermione?"

"Yes, Ron?"

"Are you feeling alright? You must be hungry or something."

Now it was Hermione's turn to look confused. "What are you talking ab-"

Someone tapped Ron on the shoulder.

"RON!" It was Ginny.

"What?" An annoyed look appeared on Ron's face. It seemed that Ginny always seemed to interrupt at all the wrong times. "Can't you see me and Hermione are in the middle of a conversation here?"

Ginny glared her eyes at him. 'Fine." A sly smile formed on her lips. "Then I suppose I'll just leave this parchment on the hearthrug where I found it…."

It was his list.

"No!" Ron shouted.

"Ron," Harry asked. "What's going on?"

"Yea," Hermione looked interested. "What's gotten in to you?"

"Errm… you two just..ermm … you two go on to breakfast. I have to speak to Ginny here about….ermm… some ….s tuff."

Harry and Hermione raised their brows at Ron. "Alright." Hermione said. "What ever you say…"

Ron watched them slowly walk towards the door. Hermione whispered something to Harry and his head shook in agreement. Before they disappeared, Hermione glanced back with a concerned expression on her face. Ron hoped Ginny would send her some sort of girl code that meant: Ron's okay. He's just having a little moment…that's all. Or maybe something like: "Ron will be on his way shortly. Worry not.

Instead, Ginny smiled.

'_Oh well…that would have to do.'_

When they were safely out of earshot, Ginny began.

"All right Ron. I'll be the first to tell you. You've done some pretty weird stuff in the past. Trying to charm the cabinets so they'll only open to you…dyeing your hair fuchsia…" Ron opened his mouth to protest. "Even if it was..._'accidental' _"Ginny smirked. "Oh! and we _can't_ forget about the time I caught you trying on mom's dress robes-"

"How many times do I have to tell you! I was _not_ trying them on! I was simply…erm…uh…"

"_Exactly_."

Ginny: 1 Ron: 0.

"Whatever. What you were or were not doing with mom's dress robes is not the point. What _is_ the point is the fact that this piece of parchment here tops all of your weird acts to date. Trying to decode Hermione's mind are you?" Ginny's eyes widened with worry. "_Please_ don't tell me you've gone and tried to put a spell on her because you know you and spells don't exactly mix. Although…that might explain why she's been acting sort of weird lately….but I thought I knew why-"

"See! You've noticed it too then?

"Well… yes but it's obvious that it's because of y-"

"I knew it!"

Ginny smiled. "So you've finally figured out that she-"

"Now if only I could figure out _why_ she's acting so weird."

Ginny sighed. "Honestly, Ron… sometimes you are so thickheaded.

"What? What do you mean by _that_?"

"Oh… nothing."

Ron threw up his hands in frustration. _'Girls sometimes….'_

Ginny smirked. "You know… you _ought_ to be thanking me."

"And what makes you say that?"

"Do you know how lucky you are that it was _me_ who was the first one down this morning? It could have _easily_ been someone else who is not as nice and caring as I. Like Dean for instance" Ron gulped. "Or Parvati…" He gulped again. "Or even worse…." Ginny's voiced deepened in an over dramatic way." Hermione her_self!_ You know… maybe one of _them_ might want to see this…"

'_Ughh I'm going to kill her one day….'_

"You're right, okay? Thank you Ginny. You're a lifesaver."

"Hmmm… is that all I am?"

"Erm…. yes?"

Ginny scowled. "Ohhh Deannnnn. I have something here that might intrest-"

"I mean uhh you pretty and…errmm…charming..and umm…caring….and ermmm…uhhh…"

Ginny giggled. "Why thanks Ronniekins! It's nice to finally be appreciated. "

He sighed in frustration. "Re_lax_ Ron. I was just joking. You know I would never do anything like that to you." She smiled. "In fact, I came here this morning to help you."

Ron's arms crossed in a defensive manner. "And exactly what do you think I need help with?"

"By the looks of this parchment," She smirked. "Everything….with _emphasis_ on Hermione."

"…. I'm listening."

"So for instance. You want to know why all of a sudden Hermione's biting her nails."

"Yea…"

"Well why do you run your fingers through your hair sometimes?"

'I don't know. I guess it's a nervous habit or something! But what does that have to do with Hermione?"

"Ron," Ginny sighed. "There are some things that you have to figure out on your own, so I'm not going to spell it out for you…but girls and boys, though they are extremely different, _do_ have a lot in common sometimes."

"Ginny! You sound like your trying to give me the 'birds and the bees' speech! _And_ you're making absolutely no sense here. I understand your trying to help me here… so I hate to tell you this…. but you seem to be _confusing_ me more than anything!

"Ron!" Ginny closed here eyes and took several deep breaths. "Alright Ginny… stay calm…keep you patience…."

"Ginny!" Ron was beginning to loose patience. "I hear my stomach talking and I don't think I can ignore it much longer!"

"All _right_ Ron! "Ginny snapped. "We'll continue this after breakfast."

"Thank you. And would you hand me that." Ron reached for his parchment. "With all the moodswings you girls have… I _think_ it will be safer with me."

As Ron headed for the doorway Ginny snickered almost inaudibly. "That's what _you_ think.


End file.
